


and still you stand

by silpium



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, the abuse is (emotional) neglect!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-09
Updated: 2016-07-09
Packaged: 2018-07-22 10:58:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7434122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silpium/pseuds/silpium
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It doesn't surprise him anymore, how his classmates avoid him like the plague, or how they'll mock-whisper about how much he deserves his title of “king” with how surly and uncouth he is, the way he treats everyone like they're dirt, or how often he'll come home to see empty beer bottles strewn around the living room and have his mother refuse to acknowledge him; and, well, it's not that those things don't hurt (because they do; it's a muted sort of squeezing, choking pain in his chest that makes his breath hitch, makes it hurt to breathe), but they're just... how things are, how they've always been, he thinks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	and still you stand

It was... strange, having someone care for you. Not in an off-putting sense, not exactly, but just—outlandish, the same way it would be weird if Tanaka and Nishinoya weren't in love with Shimizu. It was the natural state of things, just a fact of life—just as the sky is blue, just as water is wet, just as Tanaka and Nishinoya are head over heels for Shimizu, Kageyama simply isn't someone anyone likes.

It's something he's come to terms with, kind of. It doesn't surprise him anymore, how his classmates avoid him like the plague, or how they'll mock-whisper about how much he deserves his title of “king” with how surly and uncouth he is, the way he treats everyone like they're dirt, or how often he'll come home to see empty beer bottles strewn around the living room and have his mother refuse to acknowledge him; and, well, it's not that those things don't hurt (because they do; it's a muted sort of squeezing, choking pain in his chest that makes his breath hitch, makes it hurt to breathe), but they're just... how things are, how they've always been, he thinks. Even if it makes his chest feel tight, makes him want to retch, it's something that's always been and probably always will be, and he understands that, at least.

What _does_ surprise him, though, keeps surprising him, makes his chest feel all tight (kind of fluttery, maybe, all overwhelmed and shaken), but somehow in a good way, is—that indescribable feeling he gets every time Hinata hits his toss, the way Hinata puts every bit of trust into his spike (because he trusts Kageyama 100%, has since the very, very beginning, even though Kageyama’s just a dictator, just an overthrown king—nobody can trust someone that much, can put that much trust in someone like Kageyama, but Hinata does anyway), the way Hinata looks at Kageyama after they’ve done their quick, eyes full of wonder and awe and pure exhilaration, like he’s… like he’s someone extraordinary, like _they’re_ something wonderful. He’s—he’s never had someone look at him like that, with unadulterated, open, sincere admiration and happiness, and it makes his heart stutter a little to think that someone—someone like Hinata, even—could actually think positively of him, could actually care for him. 

And it’s not just Hinata, either, even if it’s Hinata who makes his chest hurt the most. Everyone on the team (well, save Tsukishima) treats Kageyama like he’s really one of them, trusts him as though there was never any reason not to, like he’s inherently worthy of their trust, and it… he would be lying if he said it wasn’t frightening. He’s so used to being hated, to being alone, to being an outcast, and if his father’s absence and his mother’s attitude towards him isn’t enough to prove that he’s inherently broken and not worthy of being liked (not _able_ to be liked, not able to be loved, some part of him whispers—if he’s so fundamentally flawed that his parents can’t love him, how could anyone?), he doesn’t know what could be. 

So being treated this—this _kindly_ by everyone when he’s done nothing to deserve it, done nothing to really earn his place, when nobody’s ever reached out to him like that before, is nothing short of downright terrifying. It’s even moreso when it’s his upperclassmen treating him that way—it makes him freeze up, lapse into rigid formality, since he just doesn’t know how else to act, since he’s just so frightened of displeasing them and ruining what little he has, of... just how unused to this he is. (He knows kindness shouldn’t scare him, that it isn’t normal, that reacting this way to people simply being nice proves that he really is abnormal, that he’s weird and defective, but he can’t help it, and it makes him feel all the worse—what even is he, if he can’t react properly to something as menial as kindness?) And the tightness in his chest, the quivering of his heart, persists all the while, an unyielding reminder of how he’s different than them all, how he’s an outlier despite everything.

It’s… _different_ with Hinata, though. That’s the only way to describe it: it’s both better and worse, both familiar and unfamiliar, and it leaves Kageyama with a deep-rooted sense of uneasiness that he can’t shake or understand, that makes him even more harsh around the edges with the fear it inspires. Because, well, while Hinata makes Kageyama feel as though he’s normal, as though, maybe, he could be liked, as though he’s worth something—those feelings, those little sprouts of hope, are the most terrifying thing, and that Hinata’s somehow managed to burst through all of Kageyama’s barricades and become whatever he is without Kageyama even realizing is… It makes him feel defenseless, raw, and he just doesn’t know how to deal with people like Hinata, doesn’t know how to be friends, or partners, or whatever this is, with someone.

Since, somehow, at some point along the line, his attempts at pushing Hinata away—all the insults and criticisms and bickering—lost their acidity, became less pointed, settled into something that was just _them_ , their dynamic. He can’t really pinpoint when it happened—if it was when they formed their quick, or the first time he tossed to Hinata, or during one of those late-night practices before they were accepted onto the team, or when Hinata completely disregarded junior high and was there even though nobody else was or wanted to be, when Kageyama instinctively reacted to his call of _I’m here!_ , or… it just sort of _was_ , suddenly, and Kageyama can’t find it in him to regret anything.

He isn’t all too sure what friendship entails, and all the unknowns still scare him, but it gives him this light, bubbly feeling in his chest, a kind of blooming happiness he’s not used to feeling (or has never felt, not really, if he’s being honest; certainly not to this degree and certainly not because of a person), and it makes him feel safe, like, maybe, if Hinata stays by his side, things will be okay. It’s a peculiar, strange feeling, but it’s all gentle and happy and hopeful, and it’s… wonderful. He can’t really express it—to not be alone, to not have the burden of his crown weighing him down, to want to wake up the next morning, to have something more in life than a house reeking of alcohol and cigarettes… it’s not a feeling he can really, truly convey. 

So it’s one of those breezy days after practice, indistinguishable from the myriad of ones that’ve come and gone already, when he and Hinata are walking part of the way home together and the sky is painted with a mesh of colors—oranges and pinks and yellows and purples and blues and greys—that shouldn’t go together at all but manage to anyway and are somehow still beautiful, and Hinata’s babbling on, far too excited, flailing the hand not guiding his bike around as if to further his point, about that receive that Nishinoya did that was _super cool!! You saw it, didn’t you, Kageyama? The Rolling Thunder! It—it was all GWAH and PWAH and he told me he’d teach me how to do it sometime! Then you won’t be able to complain about my receives anymore, and I’ll be better than you, I bet!_ and Kageyama isn’t really listening, that’s one of the happiest days Kageyama’s ever had. 

The fear is still there, but it’s a dull twinge in these moments more than anything else, and Kageyama can almost believe that the nightmares he’s had (Hinata’s disgusted, hateful glare, his eyes brimming with distaste when he finds out that Kageyama’s so broken, so inherently worthless that even his parents don’t love him, that his own mother can barely stand the sight of him, that his old teammates were right in abandoning him) won’t come to be, that maybe Hinata could accept even that part of him, and Hinata’s hand in his—his passionate, obscure hand motions abandoned sometime before—makes Kageyama feel a little more secure, a little more hopeful, makes his heart feel like it’s bleeding color.

Things aren’t perfect, and Kageyama knows it, but everything feels okay, better than it’s ever been, and Hinata doesn’t make fun of the tiny, genuine smile that sneaks its way onto Kageyama’s face when Hinata grins at him as they part ways.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading!! feedback and comments are always welcome and are really appreciated!


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